Nick and Alex Adventures: ToV Edition
by The-Metal
Summary: Two best friends venture into the world of Tales of Vesperia, and when their campaign starts to grow, the ultimate question is raised: Can the dying world of Terrca Lumireis survive their buffoonery?
1. The Madness Begins

**Alex & Nicks Adventures: Tales Of Vesperia**

"Dude. You. Me. ToV. FTW!" Alex said into his phone to his friend Nick. "Man, I'm totally there. Gimmie a sec to get my shit together, and I'll take wing." "Looking forward to it."

"Yo, I'm here. Let's get our friggin' game on." "Holy shit! It's you! That was fast!" Alex said, unexpectedly. "Doesn't matter worth a squirrel for, I guess. Let's roll." Alex continued.

**********************************

"Huh. The main characters name is Yuri? Eheh… _Yuri_…" Nick mused to himself as he looked upon his new world. "Hey pooch!" he said, as he looked at the dog on the foot of his bed. "What's your name then, _Yaoi_? _Shota_?" Nick had a bout of laughter before the creature spoke up. "Well, Repede, actually." "Holy shit! Is that you, Alex?" "Yepper. It's me, alright." "…You sound pissed off." "You'd be too if you were at perfect crotch level with everyone." "Ahaha!" "Shut up. Let's get going."

"Why is there… water flowing down the road?" Nick pondered. They looked up. "Heheheh. Discord. Sweet discord. How ironic, the fall of the peons, drowning in their own cesspooled water. Their own waste their deliverer to the fires of hell!" Alex proclaimed madly. "Alex, buddy. You need to get the whole 'crotch level' thing under control." Nick told him.

"Holy shit. Look at that guy draped in orange with the white hair. Does he not look a bit familiar?" Alex asked Nick. "He does too… pointy hair, shades, green eyes… What in hell's he doing here?!" "Dammit, this always happens! He always follows us, world for world, making us bleed…" "Oh shit, he's coming!" "Hey boys!" the old man said in a dog whistle like voice. Nick and Alex ran screaming up the hell to the higher quarters. The old man shrugged as he returned to work.

"I wonder what Gant's doing here… Again." "He always rapes you or me, if that helps a load off your mind." Alex told him, and continued. "And as entertaining as watching a bunch of filthy people drown in waste water is for me, I suppose someone ought to do something." "_I suppose. _Ah, Alex, my misanthropic canine friend, you never cease to amuse me."

They finally got to the higher quarter. "Remind me again, what in sam Hell are we doing here?" Alex asked Nick, who he believed was unsure of everything he was doing. "I had my suspicions about Mordio, that wizard who came here. He lives up here in this big ass house, right?" "Yeah…" Alex agreed "And with big houses… comes plenty of places to hide the bodies… You know. Of _them._" "Oh… it all makes sense now!" "Alright, we're breaking in." Alex ran up to the door and smashed it down. "Hm. Should have invested in an alarm system. Let's get diggin!" Nick said, as he pried open the floorboards and digged.

"Wow. Twenty seven congealing bodies!" Alex took pictures. "Mordio!" Nick yelled at the hooded wizard who was carrying a bag. "Ah. It would seem as though you have discovered my secret." "Hell yeah man. A nobleman killing hookers?! I'm selling this to the goddamn press! I'm gonna be _living_ in this mansion after the Schwann Brigade cuts your damn head off!" Nick yelled triumphantly. "Nick, those bags! There are blastia in them, probably from the fountain!" Alex said to him. "You don't say? Well, ain't that the icing on the cake! After I turn you in, Mordio, this estate will be _mine_!" "I can't let you do that!" Mordio said, incredulous. He threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

"Yuri Lowell!" "Ah, it's the Schwann brigade, Adecor, and Boccos!" Boccos was a short guy, and Adecor was a tall guy with hug lips. "Whoa. Look at those lips, Adecor. Get stung by a few bees on the mouth on your way here?" Alex asked. "Shut up, man!" Nick told him. "Thank god we found you. Yo, that Mordio guy killed twenty seven prostitutes and stole blastia cores!" "I say bullshit. This is your house! Furthermore, _you _killed these prostitutes, and _you _stole those cores!" Adecor accused.

"What the fuck? No, listen, this is Mordios estate!" "I daresay, no it is not."Adecor corrected. Behold, this house was sold, to you." "The real estate contract." Boccos handed him it as he spoke. "This house is now mine, with a 1000,000 gald mortage that I will have to pay to in twenty five years sincerely… _YURI LOWELL_?!" Nicks eyes bugged out. "That slippery sum'bitch signed this debt under _my_ name!" "I say, you're coming with us!" Adecor said. "_Fuck_ no! I've been framed! I demand to see my lawyer!"

"Resisting arrest, Mister Lowell?" Boccos asked. "Hell yes we are, Boccos, and I'll tell you something else, you're a fat ass!" Alex said as Boccos grew red. "Yo mamas so fat, that when she sits around the couch, she sits _around_ the couch! Yo mamas so fat that when she got baptized, she had to go to Sea World!" "Arctico Marineland, bitch!" Nick added, before continuing. "Yo, Adecor! Yo mama is so greasy that she sweats Crisco! Your mamas so ugly that they filmed the movie 'Gorillas in the mist' while she was takin' a shower!" Adecor got darker.

"Not bad, Nick, not bad. A little lengthy, but not bad! Watch and learn…" Alex said as he walked up to Boccos. "Yo mom's so stupid it took her two hours to watch sixty minutes! Yo mom's so stupid she sold her car for gas money!" "I say! What's a car?" Adecor asked. Nick laughed his ass off as Alex continued. "Hey! Stupid!" Adecor and Boccos both looked. Nick was crying in laughter. "Hey, Adecor Nude noggin! Your mamas so bald you can see what's on her mind!" Alex yelled. "Boccos! Your mamas so dirty you can't tell where she ends and the dirt begins!" Nick shouted. "She changes her pads every three periods! Just like a goddamn hockey team!" Alex screeched. "Adecor! Your mamas like a racecar: The bitch burned four rubbers in one night!"

"Gentlemen! I cannot sit back and watch yo' asses get beat down by this kids!" "Sergeant Cumore! Sir! Please help us!" Adecor yelled. "Alex. Yo' mamas so hairy that her teats look like coconuts!" the turquoise headed sergeant said. "Ack! Low blow!" Alex said. "Nick. Your mamas like spoiled milk: White, chunky and smells bad, and tastes like shit!" "I fold!" Nick said. "Yeah? Well I have one last trick up my sleeve!" Alex said, rising. "Hey, Cum-more. Your mamas so androgynous that…"

*******************

"Well, nice one Alex. We're in the slammer now… You just _had _to hit him with the androgynous bit." "I'm sorry." "Alex, what are you writing down?" "That one thing Cumore said about my mother… _Your mamas… hairy… teats… like… coconuts." _"Whoa brother. What are ya talkin' about?" the man in the other cell asked. "Your mother. Her teats are hairy like coconuts." "Ah! Low blow, man!" "Mweeheeheehee." Alex grinned. "Here, can I use that bit?" "Hey fuck off man. It took me awhile to learn that one." "I'll give ya a key…" "Alex, take the key for the luvvagod!" Nick said to him. "Hmmm… Okay, fine…" "Superb." The man slipped the key to Alex, and he took it grudgingly.


	2. Enter Estelle

"I still feel angry." Alex said. "Don't be such a fool. That man sacrificed his freedom for a hairy teats joke that wasn't even yours. Does that not mean anything to you?" Nick asked him as they walked down the hall. Alex snorted. "Quite frankly Nick, no. No it does not. He _chose_ to commit a no doubt terrible crime. And what did he get? An awesome 'Yo Mama' joke. _Fuck_ this game… Hark!" Alex's ears perked up. "Oh dear. You have that gleam in your eyes..." Nick said. "I hear the screaming of a vulnerable teenage girl." Alex sniffed. "Eighteen. Caucasian. Blue eyes. Pink hair in a bun with a gold clip… Blue dress. Lace, with some silken material." Alex said, almost robotically as his eyes flickered.

"How you can possibly detect this stuff is lost on me." "Well, yeah. You're only human." "Alex… this happens _all the time_ whenever a hot/cute/pretty/beautiful woman is in trouble. Whether you're human, or not. It happens." "…Well yeah. You're only human." Alex repeated. "Now come on, Nick! The hunt is on!" Alex said as he raced to the source of the noise. "Hey, wait for me!"

A woman, befitting Alex's description was there. It appeared she was going to fight two knights. "Oh, come on! She _actually_ looks like the way you described her!" Nick shouted. "I have yet to have a scratch on my record." He said. "Anyway, can we get to rescuing her already? I mean, I can handle a corpse, I guess, but I prefer them alive…" "Yes, Alex. We can get to rescuing her… Why do I have a feeling this is going to end badly?"

The duo managed to slay the two knights. "Kick some damn ass!" Alex exclaimed. Nick was struck by a vase on the back of the head. "Gaah!...Alright. You, pink haired woman. Why did you do that?... Or better yet…" Nick faced Alex. "Why didn't you warn me?!" "I thought you were going to kill me!" the pink haired lady exclaimed. "Well, I'm not. What's _your_ excuse?!" Nick asked Alex loudly."I just like to see you get hit by pottery. It's a guilty pleasure." Alex said, grinning. "Ugh, fine."

"Alright, Madame. I understand that our appearance is shifty, our goals dubious, and our reasons for being here enigmatic, but we need your help." Alex asked. "With what?" "I'm freakin' starving. Can you take us to the kitchen?" "Sure! Mind if I get changed on the way?" "That only depends on if I can help you…" Alex purred. "Sure! You can help me get to my room! Come along!" "I…Er… That wasn't exactly what I meant…" Alex said puzzled as Nick and him followed behind her.

"Here's the kitchen." "Thanks." Nick said as he grabbed an egg and cracked it on the counter. "So, what's your story?" he asked, peeling off the shell. "I am trying to warn Flynn about something terrible…" she said. "Of course! That explains everything!" "Explains what?" she asked Alex, confused. "It explains why you didn't want to have sex with me! You love me so much, you didn't want to give me your AIDs!" "I figured the fact that you were a _dog _would have something to do with it." "…Once more, my canine aesthetic appearance has foiled me again…"

All of a sudden, a black shadow groped behind Nick and slashed. He managed to dodge it. "I am Zaggiii!!" the being snarled. The woman screamed. "And I am getting the fuck out of here!" Alex yelled. "Alex!!" Nick yelled. "Piss off, pal! You're on your own!" "Now, die, Flynn!" Zagi yelled. "Flynn? What the fuck? Hey!" Nick dove out of the way of the killers blade. "So, Flynn… I hear you're pretty famous! Eheh! I'd sure like to get a signature on my blade in nice red ink!" Zagi squealed.

Alex ran up the buffet counter, grabbed a tray of hot chilli, and projected it into Zagis face. The killer screamed as it burned his face. Alex took the hot metal tray out of his face and swung it around to knock out his legs. "Nick, Unison Attack #59!" "Alright!" Nick grabbed the sharpest looking knife out of a drawer and passed it to Alex, who jumped as far as he could off of the counter. "Now, repent! _Indignant Stabbity Judgment!_" Alex caught the knife by the hilt in midair, and stabbed it into Zagis chest. "_Fatality Lightning Stomp!_" Nick walked up to Zagi, and lifted up his foot before bringing it down on the knifes hilt as hard as he could. "...Really, Alex? 'Indignant Stabbity Judgment?'"Nick asked him. "It sounded epic in my head… Anyway, lets get the fuck out of here!"


	3. The Horndog Cometh

"I wonder where that oh-so-lovely pink haired lady went." Alex said. "You tell me, you over responsive _horn dog_. Can't you like, sniff out her panties, or something?" Nick scoffed "Hey man, that's ain't nice…" "Ah, forgive me. From now on, this random girls underpants shall be a subject that shall be discussed with all of the sacred lightness it deserves." "…I'm talking about the emphasis you put on the words 'horn dog'. I don't give a shit about the subject of her panties." "Really? Shit man, I figured you'd be all over that!" "No. _It's removing them that sells it for me…_" Alex hissed under his breath, although Nick heard him.

"Ah, mi dear, we were just talking about you!" Alex said, as the lady walked up to them. "Thank goodness you guys are okay!" "He won't be getting up anytime soon, but we made, quite literally, a bloody mess in the kitchen…" "Ah… I see. Not your blood, then." "…Not exactly." Nick said, scratching behind his neck. "Shall I go to change?" "Shall we introduce ourselves? My name is Nick. That's Alex, my… dog." "What breed is he?" the lady asked. "…Horn. He's a horn dog." "'Ey!" Alex barked. "Ah, really? But _he's a good boy_!" the lady said as he stroked Alexs fur. He seemed more relaxed after that. "Mmm, I could be a good boy, if you're interested in that kind of stuff…" Alex purred as the lady scratched behind his ears.

"Oh, I'm Estellise." "Pleasure to meetcha! Now, shall we get going?" Alex asked. "Yes!" Estellise said as she walked behind them.

_Estellise has joined the party!_

****************************

"Alright Nick, I want to play as Estellise." Alex said to Nick in the Overworld. "What? _No!_" Nick objected. "C'mon, please?" Alex pleaded. Nick sighed. "Alright, fine!...Just don't do anything too explicit…"

_Alex relinquished control of Repede and gained control of Estellise._

**********************************

"Hm. This new vessel is interesting… It's… kinda hard to walk, though." Alex said wobbling in Estellises high heels. "I mean, fuck, are my feet supposed to hurt this badly in stilettos?" "If you're not in pain, you're not wearing them correctly." Nick confirmed. "Ugh, there has gotta be an easier way to do this…" Alex complained. He blinked twice and looked at Repede.

"This is either going to be a stroke of genius, or by far up there with one of the stupidest things you've ever done." Nick said as Alex got on Repedes back. "Back stroke, breast stroke, stroke of a genius!!" Alex said triumphantly, pumping his fist. "Now… _mush!_"

And mush Repede did. He projected himself down the hall at an intensely high speed. "Holy shit!" Nick yelled as Alex took off. "Jeezis!" Alex screamed as Repede jumped at the top of the stairs. He flew off, and landed flat on his back on the floor. Repede was unaffected. Alex made stroking motions with his arms and legs after he fell. "Well, Alex? How'd it go?" "Back stroke… Breast stroke… stroke of a genius…" Alex replied weakly as he moaned in pain.

"C'mon man, I think your room is ahead. Want me to carry you?" Nick asked. "No, I'll crawl… Ugh." He said.

After ten minutes of crawling, Alex finally reached his room. Nick was waiting outside the door. "Took you long enough…" "Nah, after this, the pain will be all over…" "…What are you going to do?" Nick asked, worried. "Nothing, just take a nice shower and change." "Jeezis. Every time, Alex, _every freaking time_!" "I'll try to be quick, Nick honey! 3" Alex replied sweetly. Nick waited in shame.

A good hour passed before Nick got pissed off. "Dammit Alex, open the fucking room!" "Hang on, I'm almost done…" he replied breathingly. Nick looked down and facepalmed. "Alex. Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing?" Alex lifted a small scream, but it was loud enough for Nick to hear. "There! Done!" Alex said, stepping out. "…Alex, please tell me you got your hair stuck in the dryer, and that was the reason you screamed." "…No." "Ugh God. Look, let's just get out of here…" "Right behind you! 3" "…Cut it the fuck out." "Can't cut it out, it'd grow right back! Ahahaha!" "You gotta stop watching that movie, Alex…"

"Sorry, Nick, I suppose I'm just glad not to be playing at crotch level again!" "…You'll be back at crotch level if you keep it the fuck up. And this time, I don't mean playing as Repede." "…And I thought I was disgusting."


	4. Escape From Zaphias

"How the hell do we get out of here anyway?" Nick asked Alex. "I'm as clueless as you are, pal, despite rolling Estellise, I didn't get any smarter during transition… Only thing I learned is that we can exit out of a secret exit somewhere in the castle." "…Can we just call you 'Estelle'?" "You can call me whatever you like, but it's not gonna get us any less lost." Alex said. "Good point. Put two monkeys in a room and they'll create Shakespeare, I guess. Let's pool our knowledge!" Nick said.

"Alright, well, the entrance is likely going to be really out of place. Like, a statue in the middle of the room, or some shit like that." Alex said, thinking. "Checkmate. Look at that!" There was a statue of what could only be described as a goddess in the middle of the room. "Oh. Heh, that was easy. Here, Nick, help me push this thing out." Alex pushed and pushed and pushed. "Ugh. Why aren't you helping me?" Alex asked angrily, leaning against the statue. "It's because you need to pull it out." Nick pulled the statue from the other side, and Alex fell inside a manhole in the ground that led to the sewer.

"Ugh. Damn, that hurt like a bitch-mother." Alex snarled in pain as Nick crawled down the ladder. "You alright?" "Yeah, I just need to cast First Aid on myself, I'll be good after that. I think I broke one of my legs, fuck." Alex said, struggling to get up. He casted it with some difficulty. He swung some of his new pink hair out of his eyes. "There, good as new. Let's get out of here." "Alex, are you sure you don't want to play as Repede again?" "No thanks, I've had enough of crotch level playing." He replied indignantly. "…Did it really piss you off _that_ badly?" "Hell yes it did! I was swimming in an ocean of ass. Asses were freakin' everywhere." "Asses are truly double edged swords." Nick observed sarcastically.

"Shit yeah they are. _Mmm!_ Is this what freedom smells like?" Alex breathed. "…And what do you smell?" "Piss, shit, fornication and guilty consciences. The cesspool of the noblemen." "Yeah. That's it alright." "This sucks even worse than playing as Repede. Lets GTFO." "Agreed. There's the ladder. It should take us outside of Mordios Mansion." Nick said. "You sure Adecor and Boccos won't be there?" "You're worried about those idiots?" "No: It's Cumore I'm worried about. I'm not sure I can take another 'Yo Mama' thrashing. And, to be frank, I'm not sure he's exactly ready to forgive and forget after I told him his mother was androgynous." Alex replied. "Well, if it clears your mind, Cumore probably has bigger things to worry about. He likely left Dumb and Dumber to investigate the mansion that I don't own. Knowing that bastard Mordio, they're probably up to their asses in prostitute corpses right about now. They aren't getting out anytime soon." Nick confirmed.

"Well, whatever you say. Anyway, I can see the light. I don't care about the aque blastia malfunctioning in the Lower Quarter, those people can drown for all I care. I just want to be as far away from Zaphias as possible." "Whatever you say, Alex. Man, you're cold."

_Alex obtained the title of: Unholy Bastard!_

"…Well, that's a bit mean." Alex observed. "It's the truth. Anyway, I likewise could care less, I just don't want to be caught by the Schwann Brigade. I also want to bring Mordio to justice, so let's skip town and chase him to hell!" "Sounds good!" Alex and Nick high fived as they ran to the Lower Quarter.

"Holy fuck. This place is underwater!" Alex said as he gingerly tried to step back. "Dude, get out of there!" Nick yelled, pulling Alex's collar. "Don't you know what fucking _lives_ in that water?!" "…No." "_That thing _does!" Nick pointed his blade at a reflection in the water that shone orange. A white mane of hair shone brightly on the aquatic beasts head. "…Oh fuck. Thanks man. My virginity would have been a goner!" Nick chose not to remind Alex that he had done _a lot _of stuff prior to this, his most recent act becoming 'more familiar' with Estelle in the shower.

"Look, we have to hurry: The water is rising… Hop on that rooftop, and run. Don't stop until you reach the end. Just, run, jump and hurry to the checkpoint. We'll be able to get out after we reach it." Nick ordered.

They both alighted upon the rooftops. All of a sudden, an orange flash crashed through the rooftop between Alex and Nick. Alex screamed and dove out of the way. Wet orange scales shone in the sun as wavy silver hair flew every which way. The creature gravitated back down, going through the same hole it created. "Oh shit…. That wasn't what I thought it was, was it?" Alex gasped. "**Have you been swimming lately?!**" the beast asked huskily. He was underwater, but everyone heard him. "…Fuck." Alex moaned. "You'd think the guy would have enough ass submerged underwater for him to enjoy!" Nick shouted as he kept running. "Apparently he likes the living ones…" A orange dorsal fin rose out of the water from the side of the building, chasing after Nick. "**Time to get my rape on!!**" Gant said as he pounced. He did a barrel roll as he attempted to attack Nick. Nick slid under his leathery mandibles and continued to run. Gant hissed as he threw himself back in water.

"He always goes after me!" Nick yelled. "He isn't picky, but he likes when they run, I think." Alex called after him. "Alex, there's a guy in the water there, drowning! A little kid!" Nick yelled, cowardly. "You honestly can't expect me to- Wait a second…" Alex thought. With every second he stood still, Gant could easily seize him, but this was the plan. He dove into the water just as Gant fired himself like a torpedo out of the rooftop. He would have a good ten seconds airtime, and five to regain his bearings. Alex dove underwater to seize the little kid, and managed to get back on land. He heaved the boy over his shoulder and took off after Nick. Purple tinted eyes shone underwater as Gant propelled himself after Alex and the boy.

"Thank you for saving me, fair lady!" The young man admonished. "Oh, heh. It was nothing. I suppose it's praise like that that make being good seem nice… But I hate it!" Alex screeched. "Madame..?" the boy worried. "Hey, Gant!" "**Raaape!!**" "Catch!" Alex ran, and threw the kid up in the air. Gant flew up and snatched him out of the sky before pulling him underwater. A small whirlpool formed before the water was still. Alex hurried to catch up with Nick.


	5. Walking In The Wilderness, Episode 1

"There. We reached the checkpoint _without _our asses getting rammed." Nick said after Alex caught up. "I can't say the same for the poor bastard I rescued though." Alex said. "Aha! You sacrificed that little kid so you could escape? Damn, Alex! Even _I_ think that's cold of you!" "Yeah, yeah. We as humans do things we sometimes regret. Such as sacrificing children to an aquatic rapist to further prolong our meaningless lifespan." "So, you actually regret doing it?" "Hell no I don't. The life I extinguished served its purpose… I survived because of him, so I'll try not to sacrifice anymore kids." Nick patted his friend on the shoulder. "The first step is admitting you have a problem." "Besides, you never know. He might have survived!" Alex said, cheering up. "Maybe…" Nick mused.

He couldn't help but think that Alex was trying to justify his crime by looking on the positive side, but he learned a long time ago not to correct him on matters such as that.

"You're a strange man… Er, woman I guess now, Alex. You have a very strange position about life." Nick said, long black hair swaying in the wind. "How so?" "Well, just saying that when it comes to you, the ends always justify the means. You don't mind killing people as long as it means other people survive." "Well, yes. Why not?" "Err, nothing. Nevermind."

The barriers were built around the town to protect from the hordes of evil monsters that rested in the wilderness. But, the vast plains were almost serene, with the sunshine pouring down on them from the cloudless skies. And monster free too. A gentle breeze flew past them.

"God, why did I have to change into another dress?" Alex regretted, feeling the lotus flower like edges. "Well, you tell me!" "Beats me. I'm probably going to have to change… Or ransack some random guy or girl for their clothing." "Just… No more time to yourself in the shower." "I'll try to keep it to a minimum!"

"Anyway, next stop if Deidon Hold, methinks. I can see it in the horizon." Nick said. "Well, it's a good thing I brought this!" Alex reached into his dress and pulled out a guitar. "…Did you really have that up your dress this entire time?" "Yes, Nick, and I want to sing." "…Alex? Singing?" "Yes! _**THIS IS THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE!**_" "Oh dear…" Alex strummed the guitar, to check it for tuning, than sang. Nick remembered the melody, but not the song.

"As time passes slowly I look up into the sky, and I see a light that glitters so bright. I believe, and I want to keep walking 'round the world, to spread bright memories far and wide…"

Alex paused for a bit, as if waiting for Nick to take in the lyrics he was singing.

"My dreams, they are dreams that no one else can ever see... I sac-ri-ficed all of the things I didn't really need... I can-not rid myself of thoughts that re-main deep inside, of me…. And, I'm, stuck between reality and my per-fect ideals, the shackles of my sacrifice grasp tightly at my heels. I cannot repress the imp-ul-ses I'm feeling now, Because my heavy heart desires all, my dreams, to be found…"

Alex finished off the song with a guitar solo that on a Spanish Acoustic seemed scratchy and repulsive, but Nick was in awe. "Holy fuck!...You can sing!" "…Observant." Alex scoffed, sarcastically.

_Alex obtained the title of 'Spoony Bard'!_

"…Once again, not a very flattering title." Alex said, angrily. "Whatever, I'd take it as a compliment." "I guess. Anyway, let's get going, yeah? I'm beginning to lose the feeling!"

Nick and Alex headed off towards Deidon Hold. It would seem as though their adventure was only beginning…


	6. And Bingo Was His Name O

"Deidon Hold, ho." Nick said. "Ho?! Where?!" Alex squeaked looking every which way.

"Ah, Alex. You're still a horndog." "Well, yeah! Now I'm a human! I can do what I want." "A lot of _guys _will hit on you." "Who cares? I'll just tell 'em I'm on the other side of the fence." "So, you're a _male_ lesbian." "Yeah!" Alex said, skipping a bit.

"Anyway, I know enough perverts to pick them out of any crowd." "Yes, yes, I know damn well your _abilities_… Just… just sniff her out, or whatever. I honestly don't care anymore." Nick said, admitting defeat as he brushed off Alex with a hand. Alex sniffed the air. He looked as if divine warmth had been bathed down on him.

"…That lovely siren up there on that tower? The one with the scarlet hair and the glasses?" Alex said, dreamily. "…Oh, you have **got **to be kidding me." Nick said, facepalming. "So, here is my plan! I get her out of that armor, and steal those clothes, and then we split! M'kay?" Alex said, piping up. "Look, just _go._"

With seemingly inhuman ability, Alex jumped all the way up to the tower, using small edges of the rocky walls to propel himself to the watch tower to meet the red headed woman. Nick simply watched. They talked for a little bit, and then out of nowhere, Alex kissed her. She didn't seem to mind, pinning him against a wall. "_Oh, for the love of God!_" Nick shouted, enraged.

They both disappeared out of sight. They reappeared, both of them scurrying hand and hand to a Hotel. "Oh… Oh, what the _fuck_." Nick yelled mentally.

One hour passed, Nick was peacefully at work scraping drawings in the dirt with a stick, head in hand when Alex walked out of the hotel wearing the red haired womans attire. "Hey. Yeah, I'm done here." "…Whatever happened to the waif you were 'persuading'?" "She's _fast _asleep… She won't be getting up for a few hours. I left money on the armoire to pay for our stay. She should be fine. Now let's blow."

"After what just happened would it kill you to use a less suggestive word?" "Eh. I still like to use this one… Whoa." "…Wha-Whoa."

The gate that Nick and Alex were about to leave from was ready to be stormed into by a quickly approaching horde of pig like beasts, behind them was a even more monstrous pig. "Dude. Close the gates. _We gotta close the gates!_" Alex yelled as he ran for the lever. "Alex, what about the poor innocent civilians that are running to the gate in a mad frenzy?" Nick asked. "_Fuck_ the innocent civilians that are running to the gate in a mad frenzy! If we can save the lives of this town, then God let 'em die!" Alex yelled as he cranked the lever madly. "Dude, are you gonna let those people die for this towns protection?" Nick asked. "_Hellz yes_ I am! More and more people are gonna die in our quest! Why not add a few more souls to the count?" Alex huffed as he returned. "Alex, wait, there's a small child there. If we run into Gant, he could be another sacrifice!" Alex looked as the earth began to quake under the thunder of iron hooves.

Alex ran, seemingly in slow motion to Nick. "Keep moving that lever!!" Alex shouted as he made a mad dash for the child. The line of boars continued to move.

Alex picked up the child after an eternity in Nicks eyes. "Madam, my dollie! My injured brother!" "_Fuck _your dollie and your injured brother!" Alex screeched as he ran. As he passed the child's straggling brother, he grabbed his hand and dragged him.

He ran under the gate like a madman and threw the brother. "Thank fucking God!" he breathed as he came to a stop. Alex dropped to his knees, hands gripping the earth as he vomited. "Not so ashamed about being on crotch level now, eh?" "Shut up! That's one more selfless deed that I've done in the past twenty four hours!" "Isn't this child just gonna be another sacrifice?" Alex punched Nick in the mouth. "Dude, he's not supposed to know that!" Alex said to the child. "For now, I shall christen thee, _Bingo_!" Alex said, holding the kid in the air.

"Er, madame, my name is actually Os-" "No! Bingo!" Alex said. "Now, come, Bingo and join us on our quest of madness and retribution!" "Thanks my lady, but I'd rather-" "Shut it. You're staying with us!"

_Bingo has joined the party!_

"So, where to next?" Alex said, stuffing Bingo into his satchel. "Halure, I guess." Nick said. "Alright, let's roll!" Alex strutted back inside the wilderness, Nick following suite.

_Yeah, Bingo is one of my OCs for this story. He'll fight in battles, but no one in Nick and Alex's "real life realm" will be able to use him as a playable character, so he expresses himself normally._


	7. Walking In The Wilderness, Episode 2

"Hmm… So, we have to go through a forest to get to Halure?" Alex asked "Yep. The Quoi Woods." "You should be careful! The elders say that place is cursed!" Bingo warned them. "The willows cry blood and the animals shriek and howl with resentment…" Bingo continued. "Stop spreadin' lies, boy. You know thassnot true." Alex said, swatting him a bit.

"Alex, don't hit that kid." Nick said sternly. "_And before you try, don't breastfeed him either_!" Alex looked down onto his new bosoms. "…I bet mine would taste like strawberry milk." "Alex, shut up! The very instant a new character becomes available to play, you're getting off Estelle." Nick yelled. "Nick, not in front of the kid!"

"Ugh." Nick said as he continued to walk. "…Alex, there's a time and place for you to experiment with such things." "And that time, clearly isn't now…" "So, Mister Missus Spoony Bard, can you play us another song on that Spanish Guitar?" Nick said, wanting desperately off the subjects of Alex's self experimentation.

"Sure!" He started playing his guitar, with noticeably more of a Spanish feel to it. He himself began to sing in Spanish. Hearing Alex's words through Estelles voice sounded weird and unnatural to Nick, but hearing him sing through Estelles voice seemed more right.

"Ella, baila la portugueza… Ella, baila la portugueza... Ella, baila la portugueza… Ella, baila la portugueza…"

"Estoy llamando a todas las morenas, Y las llamada… la viene da la luz, Con calma, se baila esta danza, Y con amor, canto yo esta cancion."

"Africa bamba ase a un lado a la tristeza! Y otra mas dulce no la podras encontrar."

Between each verse, he belted out a few small notes before singing again. "Oye eso te va sentir feliz." "Oye eso te va sentir feliz." "Oye eso te va sentir feliz." "Oye eso te va sentir feliz."

"Ah, that sounded beautiful." Nick said, after he was sure Alex was done. "Ah, thanks!" "Indeed, Alex." Bingo commented. "Address me as _Master_, Bingo." Alex said sternly. "Very well… Master." Bingo said grudgingly. "Anyway, looks like the cursed wood is upon us." Nick said. "Eheh. _Wood._" Alex chuckled lightly. "Speaking of wood, Alex…" "Yeah, Nick?" "…What's it like, being a girl?" "Well, it's a lot harder to find a place to piss." "…You've tried since leaving the castle?" Nick asked, worried. "Yap." "…The only time you could have possibly had a time to piss would have been during your little check in to the hotel… and you were staying with that girl at the time." "Nick, not in front of the kid!"

"…You're a _sick fuck_, Alex." Nick said. "Think I figured that one out too. But I have one thing you don't." Alex said shiftly. "And what's that?" Nick said, turning around. Alex was shifting his breasts around. "Ah yeah. _Those._ You must have a lot of fun with those." "Yeah, and I'll never get bored of looking at myself in the mirror, so there's another plus. Anyway, let's get in the forest, shall we?" Alex asked.

*************************

All of a sudden in the Overworld, Alex and Nick were interrupted. A ring wearing Aryan youth with his pants to his knees, gold chains around his neck, and a hoodie slammed his way inside the door. "Wassgood niggaz?" he asked. "Hey Teddy…" Alex said, and facepalmed. "Wassrlygood?" "Nothin', Teddy, just playing some ToV… Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Nick asked. "Wat?! Wat?! Yeaaah!" "…Ugh." Alex groaned.

The only person who could make Alex squirm in agony is Teddy, and not because of physical strength, but simply because of his allegiance to the Rap lifestyle. "Can I play?" "…Yeah, as soon as we get a character that you can play as." Alex said, Nick detecting a smirk on his face.

"_Ah Alex, you sly fox… You counted on Teddy's appearance so you can keep playing as Estelle… Nice stall tactic, but I'll win in the end!_" Nick said, stroking his chin as he picked up a controller for Teddy.


End file.
